when I started to remember all of the horrific parts of my life I called my sis and started asking her if I was remembering thing right and in telling her what I remembered she asked how could i be telling her her nightmares and yes how could I tell her count for count what happened that christmas eve and day.
So now all like to pretend it all never happened thats nice but my brain is done pretending .
I have it all in my head like a movie playing over and over .
And I was always told There certian things we don't talk about well I;m done not talking yet as long as I have air in my lungs I'll be talking.
One time when I was 13teen years old and we my father and stepmother and half brother and stepsister all went to diseny world and got there and the trip got to be a ride into hell there was this girl keept seeing there and then in "hell" my father had got some one to grab this girl and brought to jarry Farwells the Tv's avangalist there after the public tour we got the privet tour
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Family
I love the world and all things and everyone in it including my father that is the most ignigmatic thing I have come here to do and I find now were i'm at in life is right were I should be if the events of my life did not happen than I would not be were I am today and my family whom I love more than this life in my body.
So what life is hard God and all a like dident say it was going to be eazy It's all about perspective.
So what life is hard God and all a like dident say it was going to be eazy It's all about perspective.
After that day nothing was ever the some (no sh**) but I had no idea what had happend and would only have flashes of these events mostly around my father and that was not good cause he would beat the snot out of me and then I'd forget again for awhile.
I remember being brought to a bad place for a child it was a sex toy store but like bondage and that kind of thing in the worst hood in chicogo Il and when he brought me in the man behind the counter told my father you can't bring him in here and he told him this is my son I can do what ever I want with him and so I was brought into the back and raper by a whole bunch of different men including my father what a day to remember.
It feels like it was just yesterday and I'm reliving these things daily and can't stop from thinking of them it goes on and on and on>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So now that I know all this I like to call my father once and a while and talk normal and then out of the blue drop some thing like remember that house you were renting on the south side of chicogo "where he raper my sister and tryed to killed me" he said ya ya I do and then the call ended very shortly after that
I like to have some feeling of redemshion or something at least I don't try to kill him like he did to me.
I remember being brought to a bad place for a child it was a sex toy store but like bondage and that kind of thing in the worst hood in chicogo Il and when he brought me in the man behind the counter told my father you can't bring him in here and he told him this is my son I can do what ever I want with him and so I was brought into the back and raper by a whole bunch of different men including my father what a day to remember.
It feels like it was just yesterday and I'm reliving these things daily and can't stop from thinking of them it goes on and on and on>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So now that I know all this I like to call my father once and a while and talk normal and then out of the blue drop some thing like remember that house you were renting on the south side of chicogo "where he raper my sister and tryed to killed me" he said ya ya I do and then the call ended very shortly after that
I like to have some feeling of redemshion or something at least I don't try to kill him like he did to me.
Monday, April 6, 2009
the secret life of me jesus
This secret life I say is one I did not ask for or want.
As a child my father told me he was god as he was raping me and during these times I would go to some place in my mind were that was not happening.
But I would from time to time see and talk to him or the others.
Once I asked "who are you"and he replied "I am GOD"so logically from what little I knew that meant I being his son that I was jesus his son and If I ever said anything like this when not being raped he would beat me to uncounsious and I would forget what happend and for 23 Yrs. I did forget.
Untill one day delivering some fire wood to a friend (I would work with all my anger and did'nt know why ) I started to wonder why I was always angrey and I heard a voice ask "do you want to know why do you really want to know what was really going" yes I said out loud and the answer was A Flood of memorys starting with my father raping my older sister on christmas eve and I tryed to pull this fully grown man off my sister saying stop your hearting her I wsa saying over and over a few times then he jumped up and beat my but back to the bed room where we my sisters and myself were sleeping waiting for santa claws to come and open gifts in stead in the morning he threw the door open and started yelling that I was going to tell my one sister the middle aged of the three asking what was I going to tell and I said as I turned to her that daddy was hurting the older sister last night and that's when he grabbed me by my throut and carried me down the hall three feet off the ground till all the life left my body and threw me down like trash.
I saw all this from out side of my body from above and not feeling any of the pain my body must have been feeling then I heard him yelling at my sisters that if I was dead then thay would have to die to and thay were over ne crying and bagging me to wake up and as i watched this all going on A voice was wispering in my ear saying it was going to be ok and don't worrie and to wait just a little more and then the womans voice said go go it's time to go back now.
My father holding a knife over my sisters and me yelling he was going to kill us all that he was not going to jail in chicogo and then I gaspped for a breath of air and my sisters crying saying to myfather that I was ok and he did not have to kill them,all on christmas morning 1980 the start of my life as jesus in hell some times I think maybe this is hell and I am here for all man's sins and this life is the santan's game with god and I the pawn of there chess match.
That was a long day hr drove to the south side and found the worst street and went into a bar I rember out side the bar were some black men and it was the first time I ever saw a black man and told him that and he asked what I thought and my replyed that Iliked him and he shined.
MY father told these men that thay could have us two young white girls and a little white boy for free but I guess being christmas morning and one of them said if so and so was there that he would take us and we needed to get out of there fast one must of went in and told the bar keeper that the white guy had his kids out there and he did'nt want us out there and kicked our father out and he was pissed at these men outside.
So we were back in the van of my father and drove around for hours and I did not rember any thing I mean anything
I rember being very thursty and started asking him for drink and food my sisters trying to quiting me down not wanting our father to get angrey again and I seamed to be the focius point of his anger cause I caught him raping my sister and I was so young he could not be sure I would;nt talk.
But he complyed and got us food and drinks and druged it and was very conserned who ate what cause of the drugs in the food and drinks.
My older sister convinced him I would not say anything and she would comply with his desires so he took us home to our mother they were devorced 3Yrs. I rember my mother being very upset that we were so late we were to be home much sooner than we were and she was saying something to him while he was still in the van and he reached out and slaped her.
And that day was the last day of my normal life.
As a child my father told me he was god as he was raping me and during these times I would go to some place in my mind were that was not happening.
But I would from time to time see and talk to him or the others.
Once I asked "who are you"and he replied "I am GOD"so logically from what little I knew that meant I being his son that I was jesus his son and If I ever said anything like this when not being raped he would beat me to uncounsious and I would forget what happend and for 23 Yrs. I did forget.
Untill one day delivering some fire wood to a friend (I would work with all my anger and did'nt know why ) I started to wonder why I was always angrey and I heard a voice ask "do you want to know why do you really want to know what was really going" yes I said out loud and the answer was A Flood of memorys starting with my father raping my older sister on christmas eve and I tryed to pull this fully grown man off my sister saying stop your hearting her I wsa saying over and over a few times then he jumped up and beat my but back to the bed room where we my sisters and myself were sleeping waiting for santa claws to come and open gifts in stead in the morning he threw the door open and started yelling that I was going to tell my one sister the middle aged of the three asking what was I going to tell and I said as I turned to her that daddy was hurting the older sister last night and that's when he grabbed me by my throut and carried me down the hall three feet off the ground till all the life left my body and threw me down like trash.
I saw all this from out side of my body from above and not feeling any of the pain my body must have been feeling then I heard him yelling at my sisters that if I was dead then thay would have to die to and thay were over ne crying and bagging me to wake up and as i watched this all going on A voice was wispering in my ear saying it was going to be ok and don't worrie and to wait just a little more and then the womans voice said go go it's time to go back now.
My father holding a knife over my sisters and me yelling he was going to kill us all that he was not going to jail in chicogo and then I gaspped for a breath of air and my sisters crying saying to myfather that I was ok and he did not have to kill them,all on christmas morning 1980 the start of my life as jesus in hell some times I think maybe this is hell and I am here for all man's sins and this life is the santan's game with god and I the pawn of there chess match.
That was a long day hr drove to the south side and found the worst street and went into a bar I rember out side the bar were some black men and it was the first time I ever saw a black man and told him that and he asked what I thought and my replyed that Iliked him and he shined.
MY father told these men that thay could have us two young white girls and a little white boy for free but I guess being christmas morning and one of them said if so and so was there that he would take us and we needed to get out of there fast one must of went in and told the bar keeper that the white guy had his kids out there and he did'nt want us out there and kicked our father out and he was pissed at these men outside.
So we were back in the van of my father and drove around for hours and I did not rember any thing I mean anything
I rember being very thursty and started asking him for drink and food my sisters trying to quiting me down not wanting our father to get angrey again and I seamed to be the focius point of his anger cause I caught him raping my sister and I was so young he could not be sure I would;nt talk.
But he complyed and got us food and drinks and druged it and was very conserned who ate what cause of the drugs in the food and drinks.
My older sister convinced him I would not say anything and she would comply with his desires so he took us home to our mother they were devorced 3Yrs. I rember my mother being very upset that we were so late we were to be home much sooner than we were and she was saying something to him while he was still in the van and he reached out and slaped her.
And that day was the last day of my normal life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
